But If I am completely honest one of the main reasons for wanting to create a blog alongside my Instagram account is that I never felt I could get the words out in such a small amount of space to tell my story and do it justice.
It also felt super random for me to just suddenly start talking about our fertility struggles and miscarriages on an account that has never really gone to that level before. For whatever reason, something in me never felt comfortable opening up on that account.
I have no idea why I feel happy to share over here, maybe because I know this is a completely new platform that no one follows or knows about… but whatever the reason, it feels quite cathartic to just write.
Just as a note to anyone that may read this – If you think this might trigger you I am sorry please skip this post, I completely understand the pain you might be going through right now.
Ian and I got married in September 2014 (I cannot believe it was so long ago!) and in January 2015 I found out I was pregnant, the day before I was due to go back to work after the Christmas break. I will be honest it wasn’t ‘planned’ as such but we were married and we knew we wanted to start trying soon but we had never sat down and had the conversation that goes… Ok, now we are trying!
It was just before bedtime that I did the test and honestly, we were both in such shock we kind of just stared at each other and said we would talk about everything in the morning, I have wanted children for as long as we have been together so I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t jumping for joy, I have since realised even if you are trying this can still be the reaction you have.
Finding out you are pregnant is a supermassive deal and the shock can happen whether you are actively trying or not!
The Next Day
We got the train together the next morning into the city and where whispering under our breath trying to work out when and how and what the due date would be, it was so overwhelming.
When I got to the office it was all I could think about, I kept checking babycenter.com to check how big the baby might have been and what it would look like even though I would have only been about 4 weeks pregnant.
The biggest shock came when I went to the bathroom at lunchtime and saw blood in my underwear, I literally couldn’t breathe, I didn’t understand what was happening but all I knew is that I wanted to go home and crawl into bed and never get out.
I spoke to my boss and begged her to let me go home, she kept asking why, I had an amazing relationship with her and I explained what had happened, I honestly thought she would just let me leave and sort myself out (whatever that meant).
The compassion from this woman I worked with floored me that day, I wanted the world to swallow me whole but my boss sent one of the PA’s out to get sanitary pads for me, she asked another to call a taxi and she just sat letting me cry while we waited for it to arrive. I told her I hadn’t even had time to process what was happening and I was petrified it was being taken away because I wasn’t excited straight away.
She was so incredible, I never expected it but she got in the taxi to the hospital with me, she took my phone, called Ian and told him he needed to come to meet us at the hospital. The rest is honestly a blur, time seemed to move separately to me. I know I had a scan, they told me it was too early to see anything and that I should go to my local hospital in Essex the next day.
I don’t remember getting home, or going to bed. I know that Ian and I went to the hospital the next day again we were told it was too early to see a heartbeat but there was a fetal sac there and judging by its size it was about 4 weeks.
I was signed off work for a week and told to come back the following week for another scan.
The following week I headed back with my mum, they scanned me again and told me whilst things had grown they were not measuring where it should be… come back in a week.
The next week, same thing, it was a bit bigger we should be seeing a heartbeat but we weren’t, however, the sac was now the right size so we cant be sure… come back next week.
Once again, I made the trip. There was still no heartbeat but the sac had grown a bit, but not as much as should be expected from an 8-week fetus.
Now before you judge me for thinking I had any chance with no heart beat, google is a cruel misstress. You can literally find anything you want if you look hard enough.
I would find women who at 9 weeks had seen no heartbeat just like me, and the doctors told them it wasn’t viable yet they went on to have healthy babies. It made my heart ache, I had no clue what to do.
At what would have been 9 weeks, my body was still showing no sign of miscarrying and the doctors diagnosed me with what is called a missed miscarriage.
The body doesn’t recognise that the baby isn’t viable and so doesn’t ‘expel’ it, in the back of my mind I still had Dr Google telling me that there was a 0.1% chance my baby might still be in there.
In the end, I had to have surgery as my body just wouldn’t let go.
Throughout those 5 weeks at home, I went through every emotion under the sun, I had started dreaming of the life I would have with that baby, it was due in September so I knew it would the oldest at school, I thought about if I would be having a boy or a girl, what the nursery would look like. I would walk around the house imagining what it would be like to have a little snuggle baby in this spot or that.
The day of the surgery I don’t think I could walk properly… what if I was making a mistake! I was placed under general anaesthetic and when I woke up I just burst into floods of uncontrollable tears. I don’t even know how long I cried for but it felt like hours.
Everything had changed… I felt like I had become a mum the moment I knew I was pregnant but I wasn’t. I would have to carry that around with me forever. I couldn’t bear to look at another pregnant woman. Why had they got their happy ending, what had I done wrong?
We were told to wait 3 months before trying again but it ended up being more like 6. I think men are not often considered when it comes to miscarriage as it doesn’t actually happen to them but it affected him more than he cared to admit and asked if we could wait a little longer. I will be honest it was torture as all I wanted was to feel that magic that happens when you know you have a baby in your belly.
But we waited…
Miscarriage is never simple but this post sums up every feeling I have in about 3 sentences